Sometimes the pain of the past hits us at the most unlikely times or in the most unlikely settings. Here is my “am I good enough? moment for the week.
My moment came while I was packing away holiday decorations. The movie “Bad Mom’s Christmas” was showing on TV, not a movie that I personally would recommend (too crass and over the top for my tastes). The basic premise in the movie is: the moms rebel against the traditional expectation of creating a perfect holiday for their respective families.
The question “am I good enough?” is central to the behavior of these women and their mothers. Does this question haunt you as well? Follow along to find how you can answer the question for yourself.
My Identity Crises
I became aware that I was sobbing by the end of the movie. Most of my life I struggled with the question of whether or not I was a legitimate mom, let alone a good enough mom. Certain lines in the movie touch raw nerves. Negative memories flowed through my mind as I let sorrow sweep through me.
I lost every pregnancy that I had. Our son is technically my step-son while my two living daughters are adopted. As a result, I did not raise a biologically matched family.
I have always had to share my son with his real mom and my daughters with the idea and reality of their biological mom. Not long ago, my beautiful granddaughter said to me “Grandma, you are not really a real grandma because my mommy did not come out of your belly.”
There it is in a nutshell, with all of my insecurities wrapped up in one statement. Of course my granddaughter was trying to understand the complexity of family structure especially because ours is unique. I took a deep breath and reassured her there are many ways to make a family.
Fact Checking
After I dried up the tears, I decided to fact check my beliefs. I was able to compare my beliefs to facts. It is important to understand that our beliefs drive how we view and experience life.
Let that sink in as I stress this idea again: It is important to understand that our beliefs drive how we view and experience life.
If I believe that I am not a real mom, will I behave like a mom or will I resent being in the position of having to act like a mom, feeling fake the entire time?
In order to fact check, we need the standard by which to compare our belief. The word mother is defined in Webster’s Dictionary as “a female parent” (noun) also as a verb “to give birth to” or “to care for or protect like a mother”. Also, the noun form can be defined as “maternal tenderness or affection”. The other definitions for mother don’t apply for this example.
The Facts
Fact #1: Although my biological daughter died, I did give birth and I raised a non biological family as my own. I am as real a mom as it gets. When my son once yelled “You are not my mom!” in the heat of an argument, I told him the truth. I said, “No, I am not your mom, but I am the mom in this house!” He never challenged me like that again. We both know the truth.
Fact #2: Under the definition of “care and protect”, I walked the floors with feverish children, fixed boo boos, took kids to school, the doctor and researched potential therapies. Also, I helped feed and clothe them, helped with school work and daily therapy, long nights of breathing treatments and trips to the emergency room.
Fact #3: As important, I fulfill the definition of maternal tenderness or affection: I love my children no matter what they say or do.
For instance, most moms do not have to sit in family court when their twelve year old in is trouble for car jacking or deal with having been assaulted by their own child. Additionally, I saw my kids through the broken school system and family court, teen pregnancy, drugs and alcohol and supported them as best as I could as they served jail time. Again, through it all, I love my children.
Fact #4: In celebrating every positive step they take in life, I am their undying, most avid and devoted fan. The evidence that I am a good enough mom is when the girls tell me, “We know who our real mom is”, so do I!
My Conclusion
It is my conclusion that I have fulfilled the stated definition of being a mom. Moreover, I believe I am a stellar mom. In the coming months I will be posting more about my life raising this unique family. You will come to understand much more about the struggles to define myself as good enough.
Points to ponder
If you are struggling to believe that you are “good enough”, perform a fact check. Am I a good enough ___________________________ (fill in the blank)?
First, how do you define good enough? (be careful here, especially if you are a perfectionist.) Remember perfection is unrealistic and unattainable.
Secondly, compare your beliefs against the facts. What are the facts? In my example above, I compared my life to the definition of a mom.
Thirdly, if you still don’t think you are good enough ask yourself:
- Is my definition of “good enough” realistic?
- Would it be useful to adapt my thinking? In my example, I was able to expand my definition of mom to include raising children that are not my biological children.
- Do I need to change any behaviors in order to achieve my goal? For instance, do I need to set my alarm earlier in order to get to work on time?
Homework
I will be writing more posts about changing our perspective and perceptions as these are key aspects to how we experience our life. For now, practice fact checking your beliefs and notice where this is helpful.
