I am sharing this story with you to demonstrate the power of words and how our own thoughts can help us to create our own power. This story happened to me several years ago and it goes like this:
My Visit With Dr. A
I went to my allergist for a routine visit. Dr. A was to review my recent allergy testing and determine if my shot regimen was complete. When he came in the exam room, we chatted for a few minutes before he reviewed my tests. The conversation took an abrupt turn when he said “You are too fat, if you lost weight, then you would have fewer asthma attacks. Your weight affects your reflux disease which can cause more asthma problems.”
I tried to explain to him that I ate a fairly healthy diet. Also, I had tried a number of diet and exercise programs but had not found the right combination for weight loss. However, he interrupted me saying “What do you eat on a regular basis?”
I replied that I made a conscious effort to eat at least 5 servings of fruits and vegetables a day, eating as many berries as I want because they have a low glycemic index.
He retorted “That’s not good enough. Berries have sugar in them and you don’t need sugar in your diet! You obviously eat too many calories.”
I made an effort to explain what my nutritionist told me about the benefits of the right fruits in my diet. Dr A was not listening to me.
Once again, he said “You are too fat! You need to count your calories because you obviously eat too much. Write down everything you eat.”
I was by any weight chart, obese.
My Response
I realized that arguing with Dr. A was of no benefit so I shut down. When I did, he stopped berating me, because he believed he had won. Here’s what happened to me:
Fighting back tears, I walked out of the exam room red faced and angry. Some of his “discussion” was accurate. Many studies show acid reflux can contribute to asthma attacks.
It wasn’t what Dr. A said so much as his obvious distain for fat people which made me feel ashamed of myself.
My husband went to the appointment with me. As we got in the car to leave, I asked him if the doctor had been awful hard on me or was I too sensitive? I cried in the car for the entire drive home. Weight has been an issue for me since child hood. I was singled out for being chubby (all the kids in the family can have a donut but Erin, she needs to slim down.)
I felt like a total and complete failure. There was a choice to make, I could beat myself up some more, owning the shame and embarrassment or, I could rewrite my internal self talk. What would I do to protect myself?
My Visit With Dr. K
The next week I had an appointment with my arthritis doctor. When Dr. K came in the exam room, he asked me questions about my overall health and if I was still doing well with my medications. As always, he encouraged me to eat healthy and exercise.
I took a deep breath starting a conversation about my diet. We discussed my general diet and the number of calories I eat each day. I told him my frustrations about finding the key to losing weight. He then said the most amazing statement I have ever heard from a medical professional:
“Keep it up, keep doing as you are. We don’t know everything (about weight loss). It could be worse, you could keep gaining. The fact that you are maintaining is good. Just keep going and don’t give up.”
I went home and relayed the conversation to my husband. I felt much, much better about myself.
Judgement or compassion, which do you prefer?
My Choices
After I left Dr. A’s office, I felt horrible and made myself miserable with negative self talk. I beat myself up until my appointment with Dr. K. It was a natural response given all the negative input we get from people, doctors, social media. We face a barrage of criticism for being too fat, too skinny, too tall, too short, too gay, drinking too much, etc.
Until we build up the skills to overcome shame with healthy self talk, we feel stuck and prolong our suffering.
What story do you tell yourself when going through troubling experiences like mine with Dr. A?
I am thankful that Dr. K was upfront and gracious to me. His compassion helped me change my narrative.
Here are some choices I made after my visit with DR. K.:
- Never go back to a doctor who does not listen to me
- I will never see a doctor that shames me.
- Follow the advice of a doctor who respects me.
- Remind myself I am more than good enough.
- Remember my family and friends love me, warts and all.
- Make a daily habit of practicing healthy self talk. Especially when I feel shamed.
- Continue to eat a healthy diet and exercise as much as I am able.
- I will maximize the time I spend around people who support me.
Words have meaning and can hold great power over us.
I took my power back, rejecting the belief that I am not good enough.
What are some things you can do to help support and protect yourself from people who shame you? Leave me a note in the comments and tell me about your experiences.
Be well my friends.
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