There are a number of words in the English language that can be used to benefit us or used as weapons against us. The words should and shouldn’t are two of those words. It is helpful to use them in a positive context. For example, if I catch the 7:30 train I should be into work on time. Or, if you want to have dinner with me on Saturday instead of Friday, that shouldn’t be a problem.
In this post I am going to describe three scenarios where the word should (or shouldn’t ) is of little use to us or even harmful. As we learn to use these words to benefit ourselves and others, we will improve our moods, think about ourselves more positively and keep our minds open to the possibilities of change.
At our age, my husband and I often notice a few more aches and pains, maybe more fatigue or tiring more rapidly. My husband will often say “I shouldn’t feel this tired, I slept last night.” My self talk is “I slept eight hours last night, I should be bouncing off the walls with energy.” We are both saying the same thing: If we get sleep, we must be able to perform up to a set standard. That leaves us feeling guilty when we have a day where we don’t accomplish as much as we think we should. In that case, we are telling ourselves that we must perform as we expect or we are _______ (fill in the blank with words like: lazy, selfish, slow, inadequate, etc.).
We have not taken into account our chronic health issues. He has a pacemaker and often his blood pressure is too low. Instead of berating himself with the word should, it is more helpful for him to recognize that his blood pressure may be too low or that his quality of sleep was not good due to a high pain level. Sometimes a nap is the best thing he can do for himself.
For me, I have it ingrained into my head that I must take care of my household and do the cooking and cleaning. When my illnesses make it difficult to get up and get going, the word should makes me feel guilty for not being a good enough wife, mother, or grandmother. When I say to myself, “it’s ok if the house is not perfect, take a break and do what you can later”, I feel much better about myself.
We both need to work much harder to drop the “should/shouldn’t” from our vocabulary and give ourselves some grace. I tell myself often that I am doing the best that I can under the circumstances. That thought takes the pressure to perform to a higher standard off my shoulders and helps me gracefully acknowledge my limitations.
If you shame yourself with the words should and shouldn’t, practice challenging your thinking by asking “Why?”. Why should I be _______ (fill in the blank)? Am I believing a lie? Am I being realistic?
The second circumstance where the word should can be very destructive is the belief that there is a set time limit for recovery from a traumatic event or a loss. I have a dear friend who runs a cat rescue from her home. She cares for the cats like she would if they were her children. She built a shelter complete with running water, heat and a laundry room. She has a loft for the cats to sleep in and added a screened in area in back of the building which the cats access whenever they want fresh air. Her passion for the animals is evident by the toys and creature comforts strewn about.
One morning as she entered the cat shelter, she was greeted at the door by two bloodied pit bulls who had found access to the living area for the cats. Fourteen of her thirty cats were already dead or in the process of dying. After getting the dogs out of the building, she had to endure the horror of identifying each dead cat before burial so the vet could update his records. She was successful in her law suit against the dog owner, but that was little comfort for the pain and trauma that she suffered.
Recently, I asked her how she was feeling. She admitted to being depressed and having nightmares. Then she stated, “I should be over this by now”. My mamma bear protector awoke and demanded to know “Why?”. I looked at her and said “How in the world could you be over it by now? You have been through a horrible trauma. Healing takes as long as it takes.” Her eyes filled with tears as she hugged me and said “thank you”.
She was feeling guilty when the horrific attack had happened only a couple months ago. Additionally, about a year ago, she was viciously attacked by a pit bull when she was on her morning run. The dog mangled her calf muscle and she spent months healing physically. The word should as in “should be over it by now”, has no place in her life. A more helpful way to think about our struggles would be to say something like “I am suffering now, and over time, I will learn to live with the pain of this event”.
If you are feeling like you should “be over it by now”, commit to being kind to yourself. Extend grace to yourself and allow time for healing.
Grief is another situation where the words should and shouldn’t can be a destructive force. As in recovering from trauma, there is no time limit for “getting over it”. I never “got over” losing our baby girl. I did however, learn to cope with the loss over time through the valley of a deep post partum depression. Never once did my husband and I ever say to the other “we should be over it by now”. We intuitively understood that she could never be replaced, that hole in our hearts would never completely mend.
Just as damaging as “should” can be, the same is true for “shouldn’t”. After the initial shock of losing my brother wore off, I became very angry. I was angry with him for leaving us, angry at myself for not being able to save him, angry at my parents for idolizing him after he died. I was a walking inferno. One day I ventured to tell my Dad about my anger. His response was “You shouldn’t feel that way”. I wanted his approval and even more, I did not want to add to his pain. I shut down completely. That simply drove me into a deeper depression. The pain eventually led to me to attempt suicide.
One of my grand daughters told me recently that she needed help with her anger. I knew she was an angry child (for good reasons). Whenever she brings up her feelings, the first thing I do is acknowledge her right to be angry. We might talk about the anger or I may sit quietly next to her. I tell her sometimes her feelings are too grown up for her. It is up to the adults in her life to see that she gets the help she wants.
When our feelings are validated, we are respected for who we are. We all deserve that respect, from ourselves and others.
I believe in the importance of learning to be kind and gracious to ourselves and others. Our behavior and self talk are driven by our beliefs. If we start to recognize more helpful perspectives and core beliefs we will be able to lead a more satisfying life.
Try noticing when you use the words should an shouldn’t. Is the context helpful? If not, practice changing your self talk to “it would be more helpful if ______”. Leave a comment below to let me know how this works for you.
To learn more about me click the link: About Me
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